Its official, I am now a fully qualified 200 hour Yoga Teacher Trainer! Yesterday was our graduation, I can’t believe the month is over, it went so quickly. Being completely immersed in the world of yoga has been amazing. This qualification is only the beginning, my education is far from over and this past month was the tip of the iceberg. Within yoga you are always a student first and teacher second. This is something I’m excited about because I love to learn and the fact you can keep delving deeper into the subject suits me perfectly. I can move in different directions, applying it to anything from using yoga to reduce stress, relieve the symptoms of arthritis to using it to improve body image.
I feel so honoured and grateful to have studied Yoga in India and for having such a fantastic teacher. I am proud to say I am now part of his lineage. I am also excited to see where yoga takes me but also how it will help improve my own mental and physical health.
Now on to the not so great stuff, which I could easily keep to myself and paint this perfect picture of yoga solving all my insecurities and hang ups. I am still in the process of writing something about my first week, it doesn’t want to be told at present but I can let you into the inner workings of my mind over the past week.
I had been feeling great over the 2 weeks prior to this, then last Sunday, out of the blue I started to feel, well, blue. I felt fine when I woke up and then as the day progressed I felt myself going more into myself. I suddenly felt very lonely even though I was surrounded by other people. I started to tell myself that everyone else had forged fantastic friendships and I hadn’t and that maybe no one really liked me (these kinds of thoughts have plagued me in the past). The problem is when I start to feel like this, I retreat more into myself, which then makes me feel more cut off and becomes something of a vicious cycle. This was also silly as the night before I had gone out for someone’s birthday and had a great time, I wouldn’t have been invited if I wasn’t liked. Also, I am currently in Agonda with two people from the course and having a great time and hope to keep in touch when they leave. Unfortunately, the rational part of my brain doesn’t always speak up. Sunday night I went for dinner with some of the girls and then felt fine again, the next day I realised I was probably premenstrual and put my emotions down to that.
Fast forward a week and I have been a bit up and down, suffering a bit with anxiety. It wasn’t overwhelming, just there in the back of my mind, I didn’t feel 100% comfortable and this made me want the course to be over so I could escape. Rather than solve my thinking pattern I wanted to get away from being in a group. I suppose that is ‘fight or flight’ despite having nothing to fight or escape from, just my mind!
As always writing this post event I realise how silly I was being. After graduation those of us who hadn’t left immediately went for dinner, it was a lovely evening but as it was time to leave we had the emotional goodbyes and instead of feeling sad that we were parting ways I felt quite uncomfortable. Not because I wasn’t sad that it was all over and we wouldn’t be together anymore but I got it into my head that other people were sorry that they wouldn’t see each other but didn’t feel that way about me. Looking back this probably made me come across cold or that I didn’t care. If I had entered the situation enthusiastically without worrying what anyone was thinking, I would have got that back. Instead, I left feeling quite deflated.
I cause my own suffering in these situations, it is ultimately my version of reality that causes me pain not the actions of anyone else. I build these things up as being something they aren’t. Why am I writing this? Well because I don’t believe I can be the only person who feels like this. If you do too, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
In summary, I am still a bit of a crazy person and yoga hasn’t fixed all my problems. I have however, been given ways to manage my monkey mind and I am more aware of my thoughts and actions. I need to meditate regularly to keep my brain in check. I am looking forward to seeing how it enriches my life going forwards and hopefully I can help not only myself but others in becoming more comfortable in their own skin.